The Power of Your Presence In A Lonely World

Written by Kevin Stockmann, Relational Crew Member

A few years ago, I visited Germany during the cold winter months to attend the funeral of my grandmother. It was a bittersweet time, getting to be with that side of my family, but having to deal with a sudden new hole in our familial fabric. But it was during this turbulent time that I experienced something special in an unexpected place – I was reminded of the simple power of one's presence.

While we stayed in the town where my father grew up and prepared for the funeral, we decided to attend the church my father had been baptized in long ago during the seventies. We wanted to see if anything had changed over the slow march of time, or even if we would see any friendly faces from long past.

It was a very traditional German church on a street lined with the typical three-story, sturdy German homes and stores. The church’s walls were blackened by a century of smog, sitting right in front of the famous Ruhrchemie chemical corporation’s white smokestacks, which still belch out steam to this day. Gothic angels and spires reached for the sky from the little church’s humble belfry, displaying an artisan care that is rarely reserved for even important buildings in the 21st century. While its exterior was beautiful, its interior was sparse. I don’t mean of religious significance or architectural gravitas, or even of pews and places to sit. I mean of people.

Our family of five sat down on the fourth pew from the front, and made up a good half of the congregation. The pastor seemed a little surprised, even mentioning that it seemed as if some of their congregants were out sick, though I wasn’t sure if that was what she really thought or if she was embarrassed that the guests made up half of their numbers that Sunday.

The service itself was special. I had very rarely in my life worshipped, sung, and listened to a message in a language outside of English. But special as it may be, it was what occurred after the service that really stood out to me.

After the final song, the pastor gave a few announcements. There would be bible studies later that week but directly after the service, there would be Kaffeezeit. The German Kaffeezeit, or Coffeetime, is as sacrosanct as the English teatime. Over the weekend, family or friends will gather in the height of the afternoon for coffee and treats, sometimes a steaming cherry torte, a heaping plate of sugar-crusted Berliners, or even the famed Bienenstich Kuchen, or the bee-sting cake.

Now, my family was unsure if we wanted to stay for this Kaffeezeit with three or so people that we had never met before and would likely never see again. If we were being honest, while the service was special, it was a rather strange experience up to this point. Returning to a childhood church that once was in possession of a lively congregation and burgeoning community, and seeing it reduced to this was sad on multiple levels. We almost wanted to just leave and forget this experience entirely. However, the opportunity to leave was not given to us.

After the service, the Pastor came up to us with a firm, friendly, typically serious German attitude, and invited us Ohioans directly to Kaffeezeit. Now this, we couldn’t turn down.

She, the church staff, and the one congregant who decided to stay, were remarkably in good spirits as they poured us steaming coffee and served us stroopwafels in a table to the rear of the church. One could be gloomy about the downfall of their local church’s congregation, even if it was occasionally larger than this, or the dismal state of Christianity in Europe in general. But these folks were perky and very pleased for us to join them.

The conversation was great, both deep and pleasant as we shared our story and background, and as they gave us updates about our hometown of Oberhausen and shared fun little stories and charming anecdotes about the members of the church. They even gave myself and my brother a tour of the church, the belltower included. While we were climbing those old, creaking stairs, the pastor’s assistant shared a story of how they had to raise funds to rebuild the roof after World War II, as American troops used it for target practice after occupying the nearby Ruhrchemie complex, and were hoping for more renovations soon.

As we left, I couldn’t help but experience this blossoming warmth in my gut despite the chill November air. This little church had been a huge blessing to us. They had given their time, and seen meeting with people who they may never see again as a pearl of great value. They offered up their time, resources, and shared a table with us, not seeing the small numbers as any reason to close up shop. And they were ambitious, recognizing the state of their church, and spoke of their plans to change this and how they were going to reach their community.

What this speaks to me is of the easy gift of presence. Your presence matters far more than you know. To make a difference, you don’t need to be a CEO or Apostle Paul, you just need to give of yourself and your time to the people around you. Don’t be shy with your presence! It’s not even just a selfless thing. It is a symbiotic relationship because deep down, we all crave real presence and real community. To keep your presence to yourself is to deny it to those around you who may be in desperate need of it, and it is likewise to starve yourself of something not quite as crucial as air, but pretty near close.

Proverbs 27:9 says that “Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.”, and Proverbs 16:24 says, “Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”

It’s clear from the wise words of King Solomon that friendship and the things we say have a power far past the breath used to speak them. It seems painfully obvious how we can bring life and freshness to needy souls around us once pointed out, but if that’s the case, why do we have such a loneliness problem in the United States?

Everybody seems to be experiencing it; in an increasingly individualistic, perennially-online, post-COVID-19 pandemic world, loneliness has become a health epidemic. According to Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the 21st Surgeon General of the United States, one in two adults in America say that they have experienced loneliness in the last year. Yikes. Social disconnection is no longer something that the people on the fringes experience, but something that has become frighteningly mainstream.

Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling, Murthy goes on to say. “It harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and even premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.”

As people retreat into their phones and personalized lives, as shared community activities and values fall by the wayside, we all suffer. There is a common sentiment that doing things “My Way”, which Frank Sinatra would approve of, is the best way. That it will bring us happiness and success; and even that the opposite is restrictive, harmful, and oppressive. Now, just think about what this line of thinking leads to though – if community and all its chaotic people are harmful, then what is best for you is to retreat from it. But the evidence is out; this can all too easily lead to pain on the level of smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and even worse, a fractured society of lonely individuals.

It is in an environment like this that a little Kaffeezeit in a small church is such a big deal. Giving of what you have, reaching out to others and experiencing camaraderie that warms you like the crackling flames of an old fireplace, is something that was once common wisdom, but has now become game-changing.

Presence is something that is easily overlooked, since after all, it doesn’t feel like we are doing much. But if I’m still speaking about this little Kaffeezeit experience that lasted about thirty minutes more than three years ago, then it is clear that it matters.

So this week, why not speak to the guy working out next to you at the gym? Why not comment on a stylish cardigan someone walking by you is wearing? Why not reach out to that friend who you’ve been meaning to hang out with, but never got around to it? Or even to knock on the door of an apartment neighbor you never got to know?

You are in possession of the equivalent of a treasure trove of gold, my friends. The good news is, it costs you a shocking zero dollars without interest to give it out! The bad news is that if you keep it to yourself, like the mana bread in the Exodus story, it will rot in your hands.

What do you think of this, do you agree or disagree?

Please share in the comments below and thank you so much for taking the time to read, it means the most!

Written by Kevin Stockmann, Relational Crew Member

Works Cited:

“Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation 2023, The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community”

Proverbs 16:24, 27:9